Diving into Perspective

We were on our annual international trip; This year's destination was Egypt. Contrary to one’s expectations, I was not having the time of my life. The guilt of what had happened a week ago back at home lingered along everywhere with me, ruining most of my experience.

I had received my college (first year) exams result. Devastated at the 83% I got, I was dreading having to tell the result to my mother.

I spent the day at college getting admission in any prestigious university. I saw my childhood dreams crumble in front of me. I would never get into a good university with these results, and a bad university meant that I would have to put in extra effort to reach excellence. This implied I would never have time for the self-study I always wanted to do in labs and I wouldn’t be able to connect with my type of social circles. Given all that, I would never be able to gather all the things necessary for the tech businesses I always planned on launching. This meant that by my late twenties, life would feel just as unfulfilling as it does now, with an addition of torturous regret; regret of not having performed better in college.

When mom finally escorted me out of college that day and I disclosed my result, her reaction shocked me. Instead of a furious outrage, I heard a disappointed but calm tone. She emphasized how this result did not define me and how I can give improvement exams and work extra hard for college entry tests to secure admissions in high-ranking universities.

Due to the guilt of my awful result, I asked mom to cancel my tickets to Egypt, which we had booked a week earlier. The punishment I suggested for myself would not only chasten me but also provide me more time for university tests preparation. But mom told me it would take me off my stress for a while and that leaving me behind was not an option.

So now, I was in Egypt, wearing my guilty conscience. Every night as I drifted off to sleep in our hotel, I carried the heavy weight of my failure with me.

On our second last day there, we decided to go deep water diving. I, being a person who does not even know swimming, was thrilled to hear that I could go too. They gave us a 15-minute training and then, an hour later, I found myself standing 5th in a queue; I was about to go diving in the red sea.

Standing there, my whole life flashed before me. The one thought that stuck was still the same: Maybe I don’t stand a chance at my dream life anymore. How can I get into a good university with this college result? Computer science, my proclaimed passion, is a saturated field and an individual who could not perform well in college does not deserve a position in a field as complex as that.

I snap back to reality as I feel cold water on my feet. I am sitting at the edge a yacht, in the middle of the sea. My diving instructor gives my breathing gear, assists me as I submerge in water and then pushes my oxygen tank to completely immerse me in. I see a coral reef surrounded by all sorts of iridescent fishes. As I start to let this bewildering experience settle in my mind, I suddenly see water seeping in my goggles. Remembering my training, I look up and breathe out of my nose to let the water out but that just allows even more water in. I panic and gesture to my instructor about the problem but he tells me I need to relax before he can help me.

I couldn’t relax! The depth of sea underneath me overwhelmed me; I could picture my abandoned future in the abyss. Suddenly, I was involuntarily breathing in water through my nose. I saw in third person as I lost control; the diving instructor shoved me; I saw the concerned look on his face as he asked me to relax once again; It resembled my mother’s disappointed face when I had told her my result. I am reminded of the misery that I saw in my life ahead. But all I wanted at this moment was to live. I feel weightless. The abyss underneath is staring at me.

When the instructor finally escorted me out of the water and I disclosed to him what problem had occurred, his reaction shocked me. Instead of an empathetic condolence, I heard a furious but concerned tone. He emphasized how this was my fault because instead of relaxing, I started looking down, giving up hope and losing control. He said I needed to force myself to at least keep breathing regardless of what happens.

That night, when we got back to our hotel and I got into bed, I thought about what the instructor had said. I couldn’t help but find a reflection of my current attitude towards life in what had happened that day. I realized that I do indeed need to relax. Instead of looking down and giving up hope, I needed to focus on persevering through this challenge.